But I didn’t even drink! How to fairly split the bill without the side serving of awkwardness

There’s only one thing that promises to cause more friction at a restaurant than ordering for a group, and that’s paying the bill.

If you find bill splitting a pain in the neck, you’re not alone. Think about how annoying it is for your nearest and dearest to be whipping out the calculator, then double it for the stranger good enough to be standing by waiting for you to get your ducks in a row, working out whose turn it is to pay, or who had what, or how much to tip.

To get my ducks in a row for this column, I spoke to one such person, who spent more than a decade in hospo before jumping ship to the POS (point of sale) side of the force. They, like Darth Vader, would prefer to keep their identity secret.

According to Vader*, hospitality workers are always thinking about efficiency. “Every minute is accounted for; you could be doing so many other things rather than splitting a bill between 10 people, and it doesn’t provide a good experience for the employee or for other tables who just want to pay quickly and get out.”

Perhaps it’s time we all started thinking more empathetically and efficiently about the server-diner dance-and-dismount, especially if it helps us overcome the “who pays what now” ick?

Designated Dave with the PayWave

It used to be simpler to split bills when everybody carried cash. But these days, chances are everybody will want to contribute their share with a tap, or by slamming their cards down like that restaurant scene from American Psycho.

But according to Vader, the best idea to pay is in one transaction, because the overhead costs (processing fees) of splitting bills can be ridiculous. Each transaction costs you money. That’s why some smaller places don’t accept certain cards, and others refuse to split bills. Many restaurants now place a surcharge on credit cards. It may seem negligible, but if you’re eating out a fair bit, these small fees add up.

The smart thing to do is to take a moment, while perusing the menu, to nominate a Designated Dave – the one whose turn it is to put the bill on their credit or debit card. “Dave” will send their PayID (or similar payment instructions) and the amount owed to everyone else once you’ve left the venue. Every group has at least one Dave ‒ if you’re reading this, it’s probably you.

This moment also allows the group to reach a consensus on whether you’re splitting the bill evenly, paying a tip, and reducing the total for non-drinkers. It’s also a good moment to remind any group splurgers that this is a team effort, so they can ixnay on the Beaujolais.

Didn’t drink? Don’t bottle it up!

Gone are the days when people split a bottle or two between them and called it a night. Drinks are usually rung up separately from the food for this very reason. If you’re one of the drinking party, it’s easiest to tally the number of drinkers and divide the bill evenly.

However, if the level of lushness varies, agree among yourselves to add individual drinks to your split of the food bill (again, after you’ve left the venue).

And if you’re not a drinker, declare it at the outset. To avoid confrontations, it may help to quietly enlist a buddy to back you up, chiming in with a reminder, when the bill comes, that you didn’t drink.

The dating game

Dating etiquette has shifted. Some still play the chivalry card, but among younger daters, and particularly in same-sex relationships, splitting the bill 50-50 is the go. There’s no longer societal pressure or expectation that The Man will cover the bill. And it’s an anachronism to find yourself in a place where one diner receives a menu without prices.

If your companion insists on paying the full bill, this could be a nice opportunity to suggest that you’ll “get the next one”, eliminating any awkward doubt about whether there will be a follow-up.

If you MUST be the one to pay, feign going to the bathroom and pay on your way back to the table.

When to accept a free lunch

There’s much to be said for swings and roundabouts when it comes to dining with family and friends. In some cultures, fighting each other off to be the ones to pay is part of the ritual – and this is very much expected and encouraged.

From a hospitality perspective, however, this wrestling match is always awkward because, according to Vader, the server simply wants to take someone’s money and move you on. “I’ve had many people get angry at me because they didn’t get to pay – but leave us out of it!”

If this is a dance you delight in, make the decision quickly, before the server even arrives with the bill, so you can save face and maintain the ritual. Or if you MUST be the one to pay, feign going to the bathroom and pay on your way back to the table.

There’s an app for that

Luckily for us, it’s never been easier to split a bill ‒ there’s even an app (or several!) for it. If you regularly dine out in a group, download an app like Beem or OSKO, particularly as they have “bill splitting” calculators.

Most bank apps also now have functionality for transferring money and getting reimbursed using phone numbers as PayID – check your bank’s website for details on how to set it up.

Game, set, match!

If you know that you have a Scrooge or two in your midst, choosing the Feed Me menu is a good way of keeping costs even, making bill-splitting less of a bother.

Another idea is to suggest a Pineapple Dinner, where everyone brings a $50 note (it’s yellow!) so you’re all working together to stay under that budget.

* Not the former server’s real name.

Send your Ask Alice questions and conundrums to alice@aliceinframes.com