Opinion
Dating apps are sheer hell. But I’m not ready to go ‘boy sober’, either
Carly Sophia
ContributorSince becoming single in October last year, I’ve uninstalled and reinstalled dating apps four times, and not because I’ve met someone.
I can really only deal with the nonsense for a couple of months before I’m exhausted by it – the endless swiping, the drudgery of small talk, the stupid profile cliches.
Carly Sophia recently went on Hinge and had no matches, and then got a flood once she’d paid for a subscription. Credit: Nikki Short
At this point, any mention of wombat poo, pineapple on a pizza, a partner in crime, not my kid, banter, ketchup in the fridge versus pantry, the university of life, getting your hoodie back, being fluent in sarcasm or loving clean sheets, coffee, and the ocean is getting a quick left swipe from me.
Then there’s the Hinge “most compatible” – by far the murkiest corner of the dating pool. I swear, no one else does me as dirty. It takes every ounce of mental strength not to start believing I really am destined to end up with a man who takes photos next to cars that don’t belong to him and thinks “doing” countries is a personality trait.
I frequently find myself wondering if this is the collective experience, or if it has something to do with my age. My theory is that by our mid to late 30s, most people have already done the milestone thing society scams us into in our 20s. We felt the pressure to couple up, settle down, have some kids. But thanks to the folly of societal expectations and the failure rate of marriage, now we’re back on the market, navigating co-parenting, everyone’s been hurt, no one’s “ready”, men won’t go to therapy, and if this is a “pool”, it’s pretty clear nobody knows how to swim.
I think that for casual sex, the apps have been incredible. But for people seeking love and commitment, no. I’ve been on several good dates, and the outcome is always the same. They’re just “not ready for anything serious”. And why would they be, with an endless supply of new women just one right swipe away?
A lot of men are “actually 47, but the app won’t let me change it” – AKA blatantly lying about their age in order to match with younger women. Others demand to meet up right away, or abuse women who refuse to send nudes and then unmatch before we’re able to report them. Some lead full double lives and love bomb or future-fake women in order to get sex, all the while having a secret wife and kids at home.
This is the reason why Facebook groups like “Sis, Is This Your Man” exist. So many men are getting up to shady shit online that women have basically had to become detectives since the apps do very little to stop them.
Dating apps are simply not doing enough to address safety. Every woman I’ve spoken to about this feels the same way. Offering the option to block and/or report users actually does very little. At this point, the damage would already have been done.
When discussing these glaring holes among friends, I always bring it back to swingers clubs, where ID is required upon entry. Male attendees are not permitted inside unless they’re either accompanied by a woman or have undergone an approvals process.
Hedonistic venues offering no-strings-attached sex are looking out for their users better than the platforms supposedly designed to help us meet our life partners.
If dating apps took safety as seriously, they would be asking for government ID and cross-checking names and ages to ensure people were being honest about who they said they were. A step further could be asking users to supply referrals from women who know them, similar to the application process for the exclusive dating app Raya, but for more important reasons. (Raya referrals are just a stupid type of nepotism, not specifically about women’s safety). Even further could be uploading a police check to prove they had no history of sexual or physical violence against women.
The “free” apps are also nothing of the sort. When I first downloaded Hinge, I was getting one to two likes on my profile every couple of days. While I don’t have major tickets on myself, I am considered attractive, and I live in a big city, so frankly I expected more. It was also at odds with my experience on Feeld, where I received hundreds of likes in my first week. I was suss.
As an experiment, I upgraded to the paid version of Hinge, and almost immediately after the payment went through, the likes started rolling in. I went from tumbleweeds to having 53 likes in a single afternoon. I am firmly of the opinion that if you’re not buying pay-to-play versions, they’re actively cockblocking you until you do.
At the moment, there is a trend among women who date men called going “boy sober”, in which adherents swear off dating apps, exes, situationships, even hugs and kisses – a positive way for women to tap out of dating feeling empowered rather than defeated. “Sober” typically means moving forward, progressing away from something that was problematic for you, and working towards a better, healthier future – and for many women, that’s exactly what being single by choice feels like.
While I’m not personally going boy sober, I have deleted all of my apps and can’t see myself going back on them anytime soon. It is incredibly freeing knowing I can just concentrate on my life, that my looks and personality aren’t reduced to four photos and three prompts, packaged up and presented for cheap, quick and callous “yes/no” swipes.
If I fancy a shag with someone who’s “not ready for anything serious”, swingers clubs are not only less laborious, but safer for me, too.
Carly Sophia is a freelance writer.
The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.