Opinion
Has #MeToo dampened the appetite for office romance? Not for the French
Peter Quarry
PsychologistFull disclosure: When I was a rookie psychologist, I had a dalliance with a colleague. During morning meetings, our feet fondled under the desk and furtive eye contact lingered too long. I daydreamed of what we’d been up to, just hours earlier.
We felt special … but we weren’t.
Half of all workers admit to flirting with a colleague, while 43 per cent have married someone they met at work.Credit: Istock
Workplace romances are rife. Forbes research published earlier this year suggests more than 60 per cent of adult workers have had a workplace romance. Forty per cent of those romances involved cheating on an existing partner with a co-worker. On a brighter note, 43 per cent of work romances led to marriage.
If you suspect COVID dampened proceedings, 2022 data showed a 6 per cent rise in office affairs during the pandemic, which adds a new plot twist to a Zoom invite.
Vanessa Bohns, associate professor of organisational behaviour at Cornell University, claims that even though more people are meeting romantic partners online, and less through friends and family, those finding love at work represent a statistical “constant”.
There’s little doubt, however, that this landscape has changed as a result of the #MeToo movement and the legislative changes that followed. Now, both individuals and organisations are on high alert to increased legal and reputational risks.
I know a senior lawyer who won’t meet with staff one-on-one with the door closed, in case a spurious complaint is lodged.
While most are not that paranoid, Vault research suggests that 25 per cent of workers feel allegations made about sexual harassment against prominent people have influenced their view that workplace affairs are no longer acceptable.
These opinions are driving behavioural change. Tony, a mid-level manager, wistfully admits: “As a bloke, there’s no way I’d make a first move any more.”
Ellie, 28, more closely monitors her alcohol consumption at work functions. “There are a few hot guys on my team, but I don’t want to set myself up for an icky Monday morning.”
So, what are some tips for navigating this altered space? Here are four issues to consider.
The first is a no-brainer. The Australian Human Rights Commission states: “An unwanted request to go out on a date can also be sexual harassment.”
So if Cupid’s arrow is quivering and you want to pursue matters, be very sure the interest is mutual. If it isn’t, stop immediately. If you’re uncertain, proceed with extreme caution.
Second, ask yourself whether getting into a workplace relationship might trigger unanticipated problems.
Fabian started a romantic relationship with one of his direct reports, Sally, after they had both worked long hours on a series of client presentations. Even though she wasn’t initially attracted to him, he lavished praise on her work. The old story played out: one evening, while working in the deserted office, matters tripped over the line.
Understandably, both wanted to keep things under wraps – especially as Sally was still married. But even the best intentions cannot stop clues being dropped and soon the office gossip mill was grinding.
It all came to a head at annual performance review time, when disgruntled staff wondered whether Sally was getting preferential treatment. Nothing irks an egalitarian Aussie more than the sour whiff of favouritism.
Eventually, as the team’s morale declined, Fabian told his manager and HR about the relationship, and was moved to another team. But the reputational damage to both parties lingered.
The moral of the story: As embarrassing as it may be, disclose the relationship sooner rather than later.
This raises a third issue. Just what is your organisation’s policy regarding workplace affairs? Are you free to kiss, but obliged to tell?
On this matter, company policies vary widely.
Who can forget then prime minister Malcolm Turnbull’s 2018 “bonk ban”, after Barnaby Joyce’s affair with a staffer was exposed?
If you think that’s too prohibitive, consider the flipside: French law prohibits limiting employees’ rights to have personal relationships – amorous or otherwise. Vive la difference!
Most organisations, however, occupy the sensible centre. They acknowledge that romantic relationships are inevitable, but encourage – if not mandate – full disclosure. This allows the situation to be managed by, say, changing reporting lines, or reassigning roles or tasks to minimise the risk of any conflict of interest.
Associate Professor Gery Karantzas, of Deakin University’s School of Psychology, explains: “Both partners should engage in open and honest disclosure to all relevant parties. Transparency is key.”
Contemplating all the above, I have a final issue for consideration: Is having a workplace affair worth it?
Judith Beck, who has run a financial industry recruiting firm for more than 25 years and founded Financial Executive Women, says: “My golden rule is I would not do it: it’s not worth it”. Fair call Jude!
But then I think back on the frisson of my early workplace romance and ask myself, would I do it again? Full disclosure: In a heartbeat …
Peter Quarry is a retired psychologist and writer.
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