I flew 300 hours in economy class last year. Here’s how I get the best seat

However, the decisions actually begin at online check in. Do you go for the very last row of the plane with maximum bump and audible toilet flush, in the hope no one else will? Because if this backfires, you will simply end up with neighbours and the worst seat on the plane.

Or do you take a controversial high stakes gamble on a middle seat, thus deflecting others looking for rows where they’re not assured a neighbour?

Or perhaps you just check in anywhere. Because the best way to score extra room is requesting it at physical check in. A kind agent may move you. And follow this up at the sky bridge before boarding, when check-in is complete and the spare seats (if any) are glaringly obvious on screen to the agent; maybe you’ll be reassigned a better seat (a caution: never bother staff while they’re busy and with boarding underway).

Defending territory

Let’s say you’ve simply boarded, seated yourself and then slithered into an empty row undetected. There will be fellow invaders and you must be prepared to defend territory. I immediately create a Byrnes-land by colonising seats with computer, scarf and unwrapped blankets. If under specific threat, recline until take off. This will not make you popular so keep a low profile, avoid eye contact and hope you never see these people again.

Why can’t I move myself?

Airlines request you don’t change seats before take-off for a few reasons. Perhaps there’s a special meal request attached to your assigned seat. Perhaps the manifest aids body identification in the event of a crash (although a former commercial pilot described this as “optimistic”).

But the key reason is load control. Seat allocations, check-in baggage in the hold and fuel are all organised so the plane is balanced correctly for take-off and landing. With weight the slightest bit out, the software refuses sign-off by the pilot and load controller. Thus, seats may be blocked for balance (the plane’s “trim”) at least until the plane has reached its flight altitude.

One time in Abu Dhabi, the agent couldn’t override the system, but they could still advise where the spare rows were, meaning I knew which row to request when boarding. It was my lucky day; I was re-assigned a seat onboard by the purser (aka the top dog).

Be polite

Ask nicely; we’re all human. Have no expectations. You have no more right than other passengers to an extra seat. In case you’ve already forgotten COVID-19, we’re lucky to fly anywhere at all.