The loo is not the best place to join the mile-high club. (Plus other flying myths flushed)

An Adelaide taxi driver once told me that they change the tyres on a 747 after every landing. This is not true, but it goes a long way towards explaining why people from Adelaide were heavily into rubber futures at the time.

There’s a saying that when the taxi driver starts telling you about his stock portfolio, it’s time to sell yours. With aviation, there’s no room for any sort of misinformation. Staying safe is all about having a healthy respect for the laws of physics and the truth. So, let’s cut to the chase and dispense with some myths.

In my opinion, the take-off and landing drill for passengers to switch off all electronic devices is unnecessary. It’s doubtful that using a smartphone down the back would affect the flight controls up front. I once had a co-pilot answer his phone at 500 feet after take-off from Melbourne. This was a bit of a surprise, of course, but we didn’t crash. I did, however, point out that this was very naughty behaviour.

Being a pilot isn’t as stressful as we would have you believe. A passenger once asked me if I felt a huge responsibility for everyone on board. I said, “Sir, I haven’t really thought about it lately. I’m aware of it but, honestly, as long as my arse gets there in one piece, so does yours.”

One of the most common questions I get asked is about air pockets. Air pockets are supposedly holes where there is no air and which aircraft fall into. But, if this were true, where did the air go? There are no pubs up there. And why did the surrounding air not fall into the hole? There is no such thing as an air pocket. All you get is turbulence and up- or down-drafts which sometimes give you the feeling of falling into a hole.

Which leads me to aircraft loos. They suck, a lot, but not enough to suck your brain out if you are silly enough to flush while still sitting down. And these days, pilots don’t empty their loos while flying over the boss’s place. It all gets taken out after landing by a guy called “Winston the pooh man” who uses a dedicated pooh truck.

A little-known fact is that an aeroplane loo is not a safe place to meet for in-flight entertainment of the sexual variety. For a start, they aren’t the most hygienic places to touch the surfaces in, and the cabin crew know how to open the doors from the outside. So, unless you want to catch a virus, or to go viral online, try and curb those urges until you get to the hotel. There are fewer members of the mile-high club than you think.

The best thing you can do on any given flight is concentrate on getting to the other end in the best health. Don’t drink too much alcohol and do drink plenty of water. “Ahh,” I hear you say, “but what about jet lag?” Well, yes, jet lag is real, but it doesn’t come simply from time spent on a plane. It’s only if you change time zones by flying east or west. If you fly from, say, Sydney to Japan, there is minimal time zone change, so there’s no jet lag. That shit feeling you have when you get there is solely due to the 16 rum and cokes you drank en route.